Choose your own misadventure 2

Are you bored with being Donald Trump or Jeremy Corbyn?

Never fear, here’s a special, interactive blog where YOU are Nicola Sturgeon and make the decisions that she has to make every day, as First Minister of Scotland.

nicola sturgeon
You, pictured right now

Simply make the choices that you want to in order to make Scotland a strong, proud and prosperous nation of 5 million souls, living together in perfect harmony.

Page 1

It’s another beautiful day in Scotland, the temperature has soared to 4 degrees and the sun is shining on the lochs and hills, as McDonald calls to McDonald across the valleys.

Unfortunately the referendums in 2014 and 2016 have caused deep divisions within the nation, which you as First Minister must heal. There are so many competing financial priorities, so many areas that urgently need your attention that, some days, it’s hard to know where to start.

To have another crack at independence go to page 2

To mitigate some of the effects of Tory austerity go to page 3

To decide that maybe Scotland should leave the United Kingdom go to page 4

If you fancy having a crack at improving NHS Scotland then go to page 5

To decide to secede from the Union go to page 6

To focus on setting a realistic and adequate budget go to page 7

To listen to your people, who are crying out for another independence referendum, go to page 8

To log into Twitter,to let off some steam go to page 9

If you decide to pursue a policy of Scottish independence today then go to page 10

Page 2

You see that a Twitter poll run by a pro-independence supporter has racked up 112 votes, with a whopping 93% wanting to be free of England. Is this the sign you’ve been waiting for?

To decide that it is, and call a referendum, go to page 13

To decide that the Scottish people have had enough talk of independence go to page 11

Page 3

“Och, I can use my devolved powers to offset the cuts that those evil Tory bastards have imposed on Scotland’s fair citizens” you think to yourself.

You spent the next few hours coming up with a plan to offer supplemental benefits to those hit by austerity.

Then you realise that this might involve increasing taxes, which would mean that all those rich, unionists would leave Scotland, to enjoy England’s low-tax regime.

Can you think of a way to make it harder for them to leave?

If you think you’ve hit a dead-end and want to have a look NHS reform instead then go to page 5

To realise that independence will solve this problem then go to page 13

Page 4

Your eyes come to rest on a newspaper headline say that oil is up 0.3 cents/barrel.

Could this be the sign that the time is ripe for independence?

To decide that it is, and call a referendum, go to page 13

To decide that the Scottish people have had enough talk of independence go to page 11

Page 5

“The health of Scotland must be my top priority!” you think, and you set about creating a bold new agenda for the NHS.

But hang on! If you create a beautiful, state of the art, NHS then won’t you get health-tourists flooding in from England, swamping the system?

“How can I stop those English bastards from coming here?” you think, as you tap your teeth with a pencil.

If you can’t think of anything and decide to have a crack at writing a budget instead then go to page 7

To realise that independence will solve this problem then go to page 13

Page 6

As you look out of the window you see that two chemtrails have crossed in the vivid blue sky, creating a celestial Saltire.

Surely this is the sign you’ve been waiting for that the time is ripe to again ask the Scottish folk for their view on independence.

To decide that it is, and call a referendum, go to page 13

To decide that the Scottish people have had enough talk of independence go to page 11

Page 7

You immediately get to work on a proper budget, that sets realistic targets for Scotland and promises something better for its people. After a little while, however, you start to get frustrated that you don’t have control of all the economic levers.

You wrack your brain, trying to think of some way, without the hassle of becoming PM, that you could give yourself the power to set a budget.

If nothing springs to mind then log on to Twitter for a break and go to page 9

If you realise that independence is the answer then go to page 13

Page 8

Somebody on the telly just said ‘indy’…or it might have been ‘indeed’. Either way, it must be an omen than the time is ripe for another independence referendum, mustn’t it?

To decide that indy it is, and call a referendum, go to page 13

To decide that Scotland doesn’t want another referendum go to page 11

Page 9

As usual your Twitter feed is absolutely full of people demanding another independence referendum and pledging you their full support for it. In fact, thinking about it, since your wise decision to let Natalie McGarry run your block-list opposition to an independence referendum seems to have dropped right off. What a star she is, undoubtedly a true hero of the SNP.

Of course, you do have that “other” Twitter account. The one that nobody knows about. The one where you can let off steam and say whatever you want. A few minutes spent there couldn’t hurt, could it?

To log on as Brian go to Page 12

To decide to listen to the voices on Twitter go to page 13

Page 10

You silently pray, asking God to give you a sign that the time is right for Indyref 2. A sound like millions of people moaning with anguish and hunger fills your office, your Saltire bursts into flames, there’s a sudden total eclipse of the sun and the word ‘NO’ appears, written in blood, on your carpet.

To decide that these are positive omens and call a referendum, go to page 13

To decide that, maybe, this isn’t the way go to page 11

Page 11

You type a quick e-mail to all SNP party members, saying that you believe that the time isn’t right for another call for independence and calling upon them all to work together to make Scotland a better and more prosperous nation.

Your finger hovers over the ‘Send’ button, do you…

To press ‘Send’ go to page 12

To delete it and call for another referendum instead go to page 13

Page 12

Suddenly your door is kicked open, and there stands Pete Wishart, backed by a mob of joyous and civic nationalists, brandishing pitchforks and burning torches.

“NICOLA STURGEON, YOU’RE A TRAITOR TO SCOTLAND!” he yells at you, in his disarmingly charming way, specks of spit flying from his lips.

His baying mob drags you away and throws you into the dungeons beneath Edinburgh Castle.

A particularly sadistic guard leaves a copy of The National in your cell every day, and from the bits of it you can decipher you learn that Scotland, under the command of Wishart, has unilaterally declared independence.

The friendly nationalists have rounded up the hated English, unionists, Tories, journalists and anyone with an IQ over 85, and have either executed them or expelled them to England.

The rest of the UK, caught up in its own problems with Brexit, has offered not to take Scotland by force, providing that Scotland agrees to readmit Wings. Naturally they’ve refused and are now preparing for war.

Small parts of Edinburgh are still held by forces loyal to J K Rowling and, on quiet nights, you can hear the fighting, even through the thick, thick walls.

After a while you lose track of how many days you’ve been locked up, and you can’t bear to look at the Nat Onal to find out, as the last time you checked the front page was crowing about how the brilliant performance of the New Scottish Pound meant that everyone was now a millionaire, or even a billionaire. You did notice that the paper was priced at 3 trillion NS£s.

One day the guard tells you that your trial for treason has been held, you were found guilty and are to be executed.

The next morning you are taken from your cell to a hastily constructed gallows on The Runrig Mile. A huge crowd awaits and a tear comes to your eye as you seen thousands of Saltires blowing in the alcohol haze.

Matthew Fitt reads out what you think are the charges against you, although it could just as well be his shopping list, and, with one voice, the crowd starts chanting for your execution, throwing bottles and spitting.

As you step on to the trapdoor you’re just glad that you’ve lived to see a free Scotland.

Your term as First Minister is over. To try again go back to page 1

Page 13

It’s time for another independence referendum!

All work on governing the country stops (turns out nobody had actually thought to restart it after the last indy ref, so that was a time-saver), a new white paper is rushed through the random number generator, meme production is quadrupled and three men in a van are sent out to sever the broadband connection outside Stephen Daisley’s house.

Scotland unites with one focus – to become more divided. The first referendum was only ‘Yes’ vs ‘No’, this time ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ are in the mix as well. ‘Yes’ battles ‘Yes’ over whether to remain in the EU or leave, Leaver kills Leaver over the issue of Scottish independence and Scottish Labour recognises it was wrong to try to take 2 sides in the first indy ref, and tries instead to take all 4 in this one.

brexit snp

But, at long last, the day of the decision arrives, but what is it?

If Scotland voted YES to being an independent country then go to page 15

If Scotland voted NO to being an independent country then go to page 14

Page 14

Oh noes, once again the Tories, the unionists, the Murdoch press, the BBC, J K Rowling and expectations of competent governance have poisoned the minds of the good people of Scotland and turned them away from the true path of supporting Scottish independence.

What are you going to do now?

To resign as First Minister go to page 16

To stay put, but move the focus away from independence go to page 11

To stay put and carry on exactly as before go back to page 1

Page 15

YES! The Scottish people have voted YES!

At last you’re going to be running a free nation, with complete control over the budget, welfare, services…

Oh.

Oh shit.

WTF are you going to do now?

To resign go to page 16

To start campaigning for independence for the Shetland Islands go…just go!

Page 16

At last, after years of divisive politics, endlessly campaigning for independence, you can relax and take a break.

Maybe, now that you’re no longer in the spotlight, you could find somewhere sunny to retire to.

I’ll tell you where sounds nice, Catalan.

Your time as First Minister is over, to try again go back to page 1

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