The Complete West Wig

west-wig

Introduction

The West Wing was broadcast from 1999 to 2006, and covers the presidency of Jed Bartlet, a democratic Nobel laureate. Bartlet is liberal, educated, erudite and politically skilled…so pretty much a polar opposite to Donald Trump.
The West Wig is my imagining of what would happen if you replaced Bartlet with Trump in some of the iconic scenes from The West Wing.
As you’d expect, it all goes terribly well.

Index

West Wig 1 – Trump’s grand entrance
West Wig 2 – Trump shows off his book smarts
West Wig 3 – Trump and Leo argue over the use of the military
West Wig 4 – Trump and Charlie have a moment
West Wig 5 – Trump hires Ainsley
West Wig 6 – Trump during the aftermath of an assassination attempt
West Wig 7 – Josh and the secret plan to fight inflation
West Wig 8 – Trump and his staff play cards
West Wig 9 – Trump and Bartlet meet
West Wig 10 – Trump and the Chinese Christians
West Wig 11 – Trump and the retiring Supreme Court justice
West Wig 12 – Trump vs Biblical quotes
West Wig 13 – Trump deals with a suicide bomber in Sweden Israel
West Wig 14 – CJ’s first press conference after Trump’s new clampdown
West Wig 15 – Trump meets with his lawyer
West Wig 16 – Trump and Sam’s late night meeting

West Wig 1 – Trump’s grand entrance.

VAN DYKE
The First Commandment says “Honor thy Father”.

TOBY
No it doesn’t.

JOSH
Toby–

TOBY
It doesn’t.

JOSH
Listen–

TOBY
No, if I’m gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we’re gonna get the names of the damn commandments right.

MARY
Okay. Here we go.

TOBY
“Honor thy Father” is the Third Commandment.

VAN DYKE
Then what’s the First Commandment?

A booming voice comes from off screen. The camera moves to show PRESIDENT

DONALD J TRUMP with a cape standing in the doorway with several Secret Service agents.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
“The lord is my shepherd, let there be light.” I have a terrific knowledge of the Bible. Even the Pope – and I’m not kidding – even the Pope said I have the best knowledge of the Bible.

[Back to top]

West Wig 2 – Trump shows off his book smarts

TRUMP
C.J., on your tombstone, it’s gonna read, ‘Dutchie est deodorant est, pro-patriarch merry.’

C.J.
Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

TRUMP
Twenty-seven graduates of Trump University in the room, and three ex-pro wrestlers, anybody know ‘Dutchie est deodorant est, pro-patriarch merry?’
Josh?

JOSH
Uh, uh, dutchie, European, European est, East, deodorant, after-shave pro-patriarch, good, merry, something else est.

TRUMP
Thank you. Next?

JOSH
Uh, if I’d gotten more credit on the 443…

TRUMP
Leo?

LEO
The president is always right, and your death proves it. [Josh, a little weirded out, looks]

TRUMP
The president is always right, and your death proves it. That’s a terrific saying. Everybody loves that saying. We’re going to have so many terrific deaths. They are going to be the best deaths. And we’re going to build the largest cemetery in the world to honour them. You’ll see.
We did not lose Massachusetts because of the joke. Do you know when we lost Massachusetts?

C.J.
When you started to pretend you could speak Latin?

TRUMP
Go figure.

C.J.
Even so, calling them all ivy-league sodomites who you happily bomb back to the ‘irony age’ can’t have helped.

[Back to top]

West Wig 3 – Trump and Leo argue over the use of the military

LEO
Well, you’ve gone through everyone who works for you and everyone who’s married to you. I didn’t know who else you could get mad at, so I was afraid the American people might be next. Oh, by the way, when we’re done here you’re sending Melania some flowers.

TRUMP
Did you know that two hundred years ago a Roman citizen could go anywhere he wanted protected only in the words ‘Honda Civic’ I am a Roman citizen. So terrific was the retribution of Rome, really terrific retribution. Those guys really had the had the best retribution. If Caesar Salad had had nukes he wouldn’t have been scared to use them, I can tell you. He’d have turned Napoleon to dust. We should do that, instead of, instead of, what is it we’re doing again?

LEO
We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.

TRUMP
Well we ought to be more like the Romans, until we figure out what’s going on, you know?

LEO
What are you talking about?

TRUMP
I’m talk about losers on Twitter who don’t think one million people came to see my inauguration. Who say that I’m not a smart president. Because I am. I’m probably the smartest – my uncle, and he’s a really smart guy, really, really smart, helped Einstein split the atom, my uncle says that I’m the smartest little guy he knows – I really am incredibly smart and people shouldn’t be allowed to say I’m not.

LEO
And you think ratching up the body count’s gonna act as a deterrent?

TRUMP
You’re damn right.

LEO
Then you are just as dumb as these guys who think that capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn’t live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution. And their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that, we’re the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemenge, but you better be prepared to kill everyone and you better start with me cause I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!

TRUMP
[pause]OK. You’re right. Let’s do that.

LEO
Do what?

TRUMP
That thing you just said, about raising an army and putting drug kingpins to death and using the military as the arm of the Lord and me conquering the world like Charlie Maine. We should do that, that sounds like the thing a smart guy would do, and I’m a smart guy.

leo-and-trump-shaded

[Back to top]

West Wig 4 – Trump and Charlie have a moment

CHARLIE
Do you need anything?

TRUMP
[going to his desk] There’s a quote from Revelations I’m trying to remember.

CHARLIE
[following him] I can’t help you out there, sir.

TRUMP
It’s about a horse.

CHARLIE
I’ve never read Revelations.

TRUMP
Why not?

CHARLIE
Never got around to it.

TRUMP
Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Ivanka before, you know, it’s not ’cause you’re black. Lots of my friends are black. Black guys love me. They really do. More of the black community voted for me than for Hillary, you know.

CHARLIE
[sits] Yes, sir, I didn’t think it because I’m black.

TRUMP
It’s not.

CHARLIE
I thought it was ’cause I’m a guy.

TRUMP
It is. But if she wanted to date a woman that would be fine as well. The LGBT community love me as well. And she’s a good looking woman, I wouldn’t be surprised if a dyke wanted to date her. And that would be terrific. Really, really terrific.

CHARLIE
I understand.

TRUMP
Still, I want you to go out with her if that’s what you both want to do.

CHARLIE
I’d like to.

TRUMP
That’s fine. Me too.

CHARLIE
Thank you, sir.

TRUMP
But, no kidding, you go out with Ivanka, you’re gonna get your picture taken. There’s gonna be a lot of people not wild about the sight of you and the President’s daughter. You know what to do with the mail, right?

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
And you’re going to want to take a lot of pictures of her, too. She’s a beautiful woman. You’re going to want to take a lot of intimate photos. Real tasteful, obviously. She’s a classy woman. But I bet she looks so good naked. I spend a lot of time thinking about how good she probably looks naked. In a fatherly way. I’m a terrific father. Ivanka’s always said so. So have, you know, the other ones. A really terrific father. That’s what makes me the best president.

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
Be real careful not to leave those tasteful photos lying around where I might see them, Charlie. That would be terrible. It would make me very [pause] very angry.

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

TRUMP
[now searching for something in his desk drawer] Revelations. It’s about a Horse, it can fly.

CHARLIE
Are you getting the Bible confused with My Little Pony again, sir?

TRUMP
Maybe. Which one do I watch on TV when I’m having my breakfast? Anyway, remember son, treat her right, and you know where to grab her, right?

CHARLIE
Yes sir.

[Back to top]

West Wig 5 – Trump hires Ainsley

TRUMP
And hire that girl.

LEO
What girl?

TRUMP
That terrific on from TV. She was really great. Tits and hair.

LEO
Ainsley Hayes? No.

TRUMP
Why?

LEO
‘Cause this is one of those things you’re excited about after breakfast that you forget you told me to do by lunch.

TRUMP
[waggling a tiny finger at him] I do not do that. I have the greatest memory of any living human. I’ve memorised Pi to one trillion decimal places. I have really incredible memory. Harry S Truman used to call me Total Recall Trump.

LEO
It’s one of those. Like Iceland was one of those things.

TRUMP
What about Iceland?

LEO
Tuesday morning. You remember, that day you told me to organise an invasion of Iceland.

TRUMP
I did not do that. I absolutely did not do that. The dishonest media make up these lies – they shouldn’t be able to print lies like that. They have to stop using their freedom of speech – which is a wonderful freedom, the best freedom, to just say things that they want to say.

LEO
Yes, Mr President, that’s what you told me [beat] on Tuesday afternoon.

Charlie comes in and hands Trump a mug as he sits at his desk.

TRUMP
Charlie, I want to hire a woman, a great women, with a lot of smart ideas. Some of her ideas are nearly as smart as mine. I love smart women. All those people who say I’m anti-woman should hear about all the terrifically smart women that I’ve nearly employed. She’s a conservative Republican. Do you think I should do it?

CHARLIE
Absolutely, Mr. President. ‘Cause I’m told that theirs is the party of inclusion.

Trump gives him a look as he moves away.

LEO
[gesturing over his shoulder at him] See? Charlie just made a joke to you in the Oval Office. That’s how bad an idea it is.

TRUMP
Leo.

LEO
Seriously, Mr. President, if you want to do this, it’s not an uninteresting notion, let’s just do it in a more high-profile place. Put a Republican in the cabinet. You are supposed to be a Republican president, so we could probably use a couple to balance out [pause] the other guys.

TRUMP
We might do that, Leo. Four hundred million Republicans voted for me; we might hire as many as two of them. But for now, hire the tits and hair girl.

LEO
To do what?

TRUMP
[shrugging] I don’t know. Can’t she replace Mrs Landingham? I’m the leader of the free world, Leo, I don’t see why I have to look at an ugly old lady every day. I’ve got nothing but respect for ugly old women, I’d be the last man to say that they don’t have a place. I just don’t see why that place has to be in my line of sight.

LEO
You really want me to do this?

TRUMP
Do what? What were we talking about?

LEO
Hiring Ainsley Hayes. And what if she doesn’t want to work here?

TRUMP
I can sign an executive order making her work here, right?

LEO
She can always have my job, you know.

TRUMP
Yes, she can. There’s quite enough ugly old men around here as well.

[Back to top]

West Wig 6 – Trump during the aftermath of an assassination attempt

MELANIA
Oh. You all right?

IVANKA
Yeah.

IVANKA
And Dad’s making jokes.

MELANIA
Good ones, or…?

TRUMP [OS]
I’m putting Hulk Hogan in charge of the Secret Service!

MELANIA
No.

IVANKA
I’m not sure that’s a joke.

Leo approaches, along with Dr. Keller.

LEO
Melania. This is Dr. Keller.

DR. KELLER
Hello.

MELANIA
What’s the status of his will?

DR. KELLER
It’s looking good, Mrs Trump, there’ll be no call for that.

MELANIA
You won’t let him sign a new one, will you?

TRUMP[OS]
Are these the hottest nurses you have? Get me hotter nurses, and get some drink in them!

DR. KELLER
We’ll soon have him good as new, Mrs Trump

MELANIA
I don’t care how good she is, there’ll be no new Mrs Trump while I can still swing a blade.

DR. KELLER
Er. Dr. Lee is going to be an anaesthetist, Mrs Trump

MELANIA
[to Ivanka] You’ll be okay honey?

IVANKA
Yeah.

Melania walks away.

CUT TO: INT. TRAUMA ROOM – CONTINUOUS

MELANIA
Dr. Lee?

DR. LEE
Mrs Trump. I hope they told you that it’s looking very good.

MELANIA
There are 14 people in the world who know this, including the vice President, the chief of staff, and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs. You are going to be the fifteenth. Last year my husband was diagnosed with extremely excellent health. His doctor noted that he’d set records for the number of events, the size of the crowds and his breadth of travel.

TRUMP[OS]
Those shooters definitely weren’t white guys. Someone tell Mike to nuke Constantinople while I’m under.

MELANIA
Doctor, he has the stamina to endure – uninterrupted – the rigors of a punishing and unprecedented presidential campaign.

TRUMP[OS]
Normally I’m bullet-proof. Those guys must have been firing armour-plated rounds.

MELANIA
My husband has better stamina than anyone else his doctor has ever examined.

DR. LEE
Why are you telling me all this, Mrs Trump?

MELANIA
You’re a doctor [beat] Is there a cure for Viagra?

TRUMP[OS]
They were terrific guys, by the way. Really terrific shots. Someone phone the NRA. Tell them I’m still on their side.

[Back to top]

West Wig 7 – Josh and the secret plan to fight inflation

CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM – PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Josh is still behind the podium, answering questions.

REPORTER 1
Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan?

JOSH
There is no secret plan!

REPORTER 2
You said…

JOSH
[laughs] I was talking to Danny. I was kidding!

DANNY
Josh, if you were just kidding how do you explain the president’s statement, ‘I have a great plan to fight inflation. Will tell it you soon.’

JOSH
[sarcastically] I’m going to need a source on that, Danny.

DANNY
I’m quoting his tweet of [looks at phone] 23 seconds ago.

JOSH
[putting his head in his hands] Can we please change the subject.

REPORTER 2
[reading from phone] Josh, when the president tweets that his number one priority is to protect the US from alien invasion is he speaking metaphorically?

JOSH
[groans]

[Back to top]

West Wig 8 – Trump and his staff play cards

west-wing-trump-cards

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – LEO’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Trump and his staff are gathered around a table, playing cards.

C.J.
Mr President?

TRUMP
There are fourteen punctuation marks in Standard English grammar. Can anyone name them please?

Trump’s staff groan

C.J.
Period.

JOSH
Comma.

MANDY
Colon

SAM
Semi-colon.

JOSH
Dash.

SAM
Hyphen.

LEO
Ah… apostrophe.

TRUMP
That’s only eleven. There are nine more. You should all know this, because English grammar is the best grammar. It has really terrific grammar. Not like Mexican grammar. Mexico is so poor it can’t even have its own grammar, it has to use Portugal’s grammar.

TOBY
Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipsis.

C.J.
Ooh.

JOSH
Wow!

TRUMP
Very good, Toby, but you missed smiley face, crying and three cryings in a row to show the person you’re talking to is a snowflake. I won’t have snowflakes in my White House or in my country. People call me a snowflake, you know. Crying face, crying face, crying face.

TOBY
Uh. [waggles cards] It’s you, sir.

TRUMP
There are three words, and three words only in the English language that ever end my tweets. What are they?

JOSH
This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done.

All laugh.

TRUMP
Can anyone name them for me please?

SAM
Three words that end your tweets?

TRUMP
Yes.

SAM
Sad.

TRUMP
Yes.

TOBY
Loser.

TRUMP
Yes.

Everyone mumbles out different words.

TOBY
[to Sam] C’mon Princeton. We’ve got sad, we’ve got loser.

TRUMP
I see you five and raise you five by the way. I know you’re only holding a pair of threes and a queen.

TOBY
Mr President, before we go any further would you mind if we ran through the rules of bridge with you one more time?

[Back to top]

West Wig 9 – Trump and Bartlet meet

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

Trump is sat at his desk, doing something with his phone. There’s a knock at the door and former-president Jed Bartlet enters.

BARTLET
[light-heartedly] Boy, they let anyone do this job these days.

TRUMP
[looks up from phone] Hey. It’s you. Pull up a chair, Jeb.

Bartlet remains standing

BARTLET
It’s Dr Bartlet, or Mr President, or Jed. Jeb was the other guy.

TRUMP
Hey, that’s great. Be right with you.

Trump goes back to his phone. Bartlet looks around the room for a few seconds.

BARTLET
I like what you’ve done with the place.

TRUMP
Huh?

BARTLET
You’ve redecorated. It’s nice. The gold walls go very well with the gold furniture and the gold drapes. Very understated.

TRUMP
[distractedly] Well, you’ve got to stamp your personality onto the room. Just like you’ve got to stamp it onto the presidency. And I’ve got a lot of personality and I like to do a lot of stamping.

Trump turns his full attention back to his phone. Bartlet looks around the room again. He gazes at the floor.

BARTLET
You know, I used to wonder how they got the eagle on the carpet to face different ways. I always kinda assumed that they had two carpets and fitters who worked night shifts.

TRUMP
[grunts]

BARTLET
I didn’t even know they had a carpet where the eagle has its wings covering its eyes. But there you go, they went and found one for you.

Trump still doesn’t respond. Bartlet does another scan of the complete room.

BARTLET
You know my body man, Charlie Young, gave me a map of the Holy Land once. It was drawn in 1709. I was going to have it framed and put on the wall right over there [nods towards the wall]. Right there. Right where you’ve got that Hulk Hogan poster.

Trump puts his phone down, with an air of frustration, gets up, walks over to Barlet and shakes his hand.

TRUMP
Hey, you’re really tiny. I must be like thirty inches taller than you. I always thought you’d be bigger.

BARTLET
In this job your stature isn’t generally judged by your physical reach. [beat] But I’d like to congratulate you on overcoming the limitations of your height and managing to go right ahead and develop a Napoleon complex anyway.

TRUMP
It’s good to see you Jeb. Do you know I gave more than anybody else – both times you ran – I gave more to your campaign than anybody else. Millions – I don’t remember how many millions I gave – but it was more millions than anybody else gave you. Both times. And you were a lousy president. Both times. I’m going to be a much better president than you. Everyone says so. Even the losers who hate me say so.

BARTLET
Well, Mr Trump, I don’t recall seeing your name on the donor register, so it sounds like you got your money’s worth.

TRUMP
You were a soft president. My people don’t want a soft president any more. They want a hard president. I’m hard. Everyday I sit here I get harder. I’m harder today that I was yesterday and yesterday I was diamond. By tomorrow I’ll be gold.

BARTLET
You know what they say, Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

TRUMP
Who says that? It’s not right that people say things like that. This is America. Everyone should speak American. American in the greatest language in the world. The language of Shakespeare.

Todd enters, unannounced and, ignoring Trump and Bartlet, sits on a couch and starts reading Playboy magazine.

BARTLET
Is this one of your staff? He seems to be a keen, young man.

TRUMP
This is Todd. We swept him up in Philadelphia and he’s been hanging with us since. People often just follow me back here. It’s my incredible personal magnetism. I’m terrifically likeable. The secret service hate it, but Todd hooks us up with free cable.

BARTLET
Ah, back in my day we tried to avoid committing crimes while we were in office. Not always successfully it must be said.

TRUMP
Thanks to me Todd’s saved the government $320 a month. That’s how a proper president works, Jeb, they save the public money to make them so rich that we have to cut their taxes. That’s why I’m so popular. Toby says that I’m the most popular president ever.

BARTLET
Really? I don’t recall Toby ever making me feel as if I was even the most popular president in the room.

TRUMP
It’s really amazing how popular I am. My people love me. Just watch this.

Trump turns the TV onto a news channel and then picks up his phone and starts typing on it.

TRUMP
[calling to outer office] Titzi, how do I spell ‘embezzling’?

TITZI [OS]
E-M-B-E-Z [pause] Z [pause] E?

TRUMP
[to Titzi] Never mind. I’ll just put ‘crooked’. [to Barlet] Now watch this.

They both stare at the TV for a few seconds.

BARTLET
What are we wait-

TRUMP
Sssh! It’s about to happen [pause] Yes! Look! Look at that share price drop! One tweet does that. That’s how much the people love me.

BARTLET
You do know that you’re not supposed to do that, right? I’m surprised that Sam isn’t in here, wrestling you to the floor and taking your phone off you.

TRUMP
Sam? He’s the one who looks like Rob Lowe, right? I got rid of him. Couldn’t stand him. We was always [adopting mocking tone of voice] That’s illegal, Mr President. There are laws against that, Mr President. You probably shouldn’t write the nuclear launch codes on the back of your hand, Mr President. [pause] He’s gone. Your big mistake, Jeb, and you made a lot of mistakes, bad mistakes, but your really big mistake was that you surrounded yourself with smart people. If you have smart people around you then you look dumb. Nobody wants to the see the president looking dumb. I surround myself with dumb people, because that makes me look very smart. If the president looks smart then America looks smart. And I’m very smart and the voters know that.

BARTLET
I always think you should judge a man by the company they keep. If you surround yourself with smart people then onlookers might think you’re one of them. [beat] Same if you surround yourself with idiots, I guess.

TRUMP
You know what I liked best about your presidency? When you whacked that San Serif guy? That was terrific. A real high-point.

BARLET
You mean Shareef? That was the hardest decision I had to make. Was I right to put the real risk to the lives of Americans ahead of the pillars of our democracy. Justice. Law. The very right to life. I made that decision and it still keeps me awake at night. [softly] When you’re alone and it’s dark it’s hard to tell yourself that you did the right thing. That the Lord was on your side.

TRUMP
Yeah, well it was terrific. You should have done like ten or twenty more. Once every week. Bang. We shot another one, folks. The world’s a safer place.

BARTLET
I you think that having the man in the most powerful office on Earth killing whoever he likes makes the world safer, Mr President, then maybe you should have stuck building golf courses.

TRUMP
I didn’t think you were a golfer, Jeb.

BARTLET
I’m not. My one game ended up with me stuck in a bunker. A feature I think it will share with your presidency.

TITZI [OS]
Mr President, I’ve got Chuck Norris on line #1 for you. It’s about the Supreme Court appointment.

TRUMP
Sorry, Jeb, work to do. You know the way out.

They shake hands

BARTLET
Hey, thanks for inviting me in.

Bartlet walks to the door then turns to look back at Trump.

BARTLET
You know, Mr President, being here and talking to you today has really reminded me of how it was when I was doing this job.

TRUMP
Because I’m a great leader and a really smart guy?

BARTLET
No. Because I look at you and think, “What’s next?”

[Back to top]

West Wig 10 – Trump and the Chinese Christians

JHIN-WEI comes in, and the two aides stay by the door.

TRUMP
Gin-sling?

JHIN-WEI
Jhin-Wei, sir.

They shake hands.

TRUMP
I’m Donald Trump, the president of this whole country. This is Leo Mc…McSomething.

LEO
How do you do?

TRUMP
Thanks for being Christian. It’s really terrific that even you people in less developed countries are willing to give it a try. I went to China once. Couldn’t order take-away. Never went back.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

LEO
[to the aides] Fellas… would you mind waiting outside?

Mrs. Landingham escorts the two aides outside.

TRUMP
Have a seat. Don’t get too comfortable, though – Bannon’s watching ‘Platoon’ next door and he’s got a .45, so you need to move fast if he comes in here yelling about ‘Charlie’.

They sit. Leo leans in front of the desk.

TRUMP
[motions to the table] There are some sandwiches here. If you get hungry, feel free to eat as much as you want. Bannon’s picked all the meat out of them, but what he’s left is fine for you.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

TRUMP
People have been asking if you’re really Christian. I’ve been to a lot of churches. People always want me to come to their Church to just be in the congregation or sing hymns or just to fling holy water at me while they do all that bell, book and candle stuff.

JHIN-WEI
Yes sir.

TRUMP
So how does a non-white end up Christian, then?

JHIN-WEI
I began attending a house church with my wife in Fujian. Eventually, I was
baptized.

TRUMP
And are Chinese churches just like American ones? Do you have all of those great guys on telly asking for money? I should do that. I’d be great at that. I can always get money from anyone.

JHIN-WEI
We share bibles–we don’t have enough. We sing hymns. We hear sermons. We
recite the Lord’s Prayer. We are charitable.

TRUMP
Who’s the head of your church?

JHIN-WEI
The head of our parish is an 84 year old man named Wen-Ling. He’s been beaten and imprisoned many times. The head of our church is Jesus Christ.

TRUMP
I have to give you a pop quiz. Some religious guy wrote it down for me. It can’t be that hard, because they’re generally pretty dumb. Losers. [reading] Can you name any of Jesus’ disciples? [beat] If you can’t, that’s okay. I can’t even remember the nuclear launch codes. That’s why I have to write them on my hand, see [shows hand, which has ‘8’ written on it] It’s a terrific system. I’ve always got the nuclear football and I’ve always got my hand. That’s why they call me ‘President Smart’

JHIN-WEI
Jesus disciples were Peter, Andrew, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James. [beat] Mr. President, Christianity is not demonstrated through a recitation of facts.
You’re seeking evidence of faith, a wholehearted acceptance of God’s promise for a better world. ‘For we hold that man is justified by faith alone’ is what St. Paul said. ‘Justified by faith alone.’ Faith is the true… uh, I’m trying to… shibboleth. Faith is the true shibboleth.

TRUMP
You were doing well up until the Shibboleth guy. I was going to let Paul slip, because, hey, everyone knows a guy called Paul. I know a guy called Paul in Vegas. He gets me hook…things I need in Vegas. But that Shibboleth guy sounds like one of the people from the Quorn. It’s bad enough you pretending to be Christian when you’re not even white, but being a Muslim as well is something I’m not going to stand for. [They stand.] It was terrific to meet you, now get the hell out of my country before I have Hulk Hogan shoot you!

JHIN-WEI
Thank you, Mr. President.

After they shake hands, Jhin-Wei turns to leave the Oval Office. Trump watches him go, then turns around to face Leo.

LEO
We’re trying to sell more 747s to China, already a big customer. We want China to crack down on violators of American copyrights. We’re trying to get China to negotiate a settlement with Tibet…

TRUMP
Screw him. He didn’t even bring my sweet and sour pork.

LEO
Right.

[Back to top]

West Wig 11 – Trump and the retiring Supreme Court justice

FADE IN: INT. THE SUPREME COURT – JUSTICE CROUCH’S OFFICE – DAY

The retiring Supreme Court Justice JOSEPH CROUCH is with President Trump.

TRUMP
I’d have made a much better Supreme Court whatever you are than you, Joseph. I know that the so-called court people’s job is to do what the president – that’s me, I’m the president – do what the president says, not sit around discussing laws. I’m glad you’re retiring.

CROUCH
You’re gonna go with Harrison?

TRUMP
Harrison? Who’s Harrison? The Star Wars guy?

CROUCH
Peyton Cabot Harrison III…the leading contender to fill my seat.

TRUMP
Never heard of him. Maybe he’s on the short-list.

CROUCH
With how many other names?

TRUMP
We’ll make our announcement on Thursday. Just as soon as Steve has told me who it is. I hope, I really hope, it’s not Arnie. That guy kills ratings. That’s why he went into politics, you know, he couldn’t cut it in showbiz.

CROUCH
You’ve decided on Harrison.

TRUMP
I haven’t made a decision yet, Joe. Maybe Steve has. I suggested Hulk Hogan. Now there’s a guy who’d be tough on crime. Not like you. Look at you. You’re really old. Any mugger would make short work of you. Even if you had a gun, they’d just kick it right out of your shaky old hand.

CROUCH
You’ve made the call. [beat] Did you even consider Mendoza?

TRUMP
Mendoza? There was a guy called Mendoza on the short-list, yeah.

CROUCH
Mendoza was on the short list so you can show you had an Hispanic on the
short list.

TRUMP
No, we put him on the short list to trick him into meeting up with us, and then we shipped him straight back to Mexico. He’ll be back in the country by now, of course, because there’s no wall. Why did nobody else build a wall, Joe? We’ve had this country for 2017 years and yet nobody’s thought of building a simple wall. That’s because they’re dumb. I’m smart. Steve says so every time I’m smart enough to do what he tells me.

CROUCH
You ran great guns in the campaign. It was an insurgency, boy, a sight to see. And then you drove to the middle of the road the moment after you took the oath. Then to the right of the road. Then to the further right of the road. Then so far right you were off the road altogether, just driving along the sidewalk, sending pedestrians flying everywhere. Running over everyone in sight.

TRUMP
I suppose we should get out there, before people start thinking I like talking to old people.

CROUCH
Not yet, sir.

TRUMP
I’m going out. The press are only here to see me anyway. Who cares what the “supreme court” have to say?

CROUCH
I’ve served on this bench for 38 years. I took my seat the year you began
college. I believe I’ve earned the right to say a word. [beat] Take the next few days with your staff, and give Mendoza the consideration the deserves.

TRUMP
Sorry, Joey, the seat is closed up tight as a drum to anyone who doesn’t have the surname ‘Trump’ or $500 million to spare.

CROUCH
American voters like brains. And Democrat have got them. In four years, one of them is gonna beat you.

TRUMP
Only because I’ve got so much to deal with. The press are always telling fake news about me. The call them facts, but they’re just nasty opinions. I’ve got to deal with that.

CROUCH
So did Harry Truman.

TRUMP
Who? The guy who was being filmed all the time in that movie? Never liked that film. Even though Arnie wasn’t in it it still stunk. Made no sense. If you were being filmed and watched by the whole world the whole time you’d made sure you never left.

Trump looks at his watch

TRUMP
Anyway, let’s go. I’ve got Hulk Hogan coming to the White House at 2. Now there’s a man who knows what judges are supposed to do.

[Back to top]

West Wig 12 – Trump vs Biblical quotes

C.J.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the United States.

Everyone stands and claps. The flashbulbs go off as Trump enters the reception.

TRUMP
Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thanks a lot. I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you but it’s nearly time for my intelligence briefing, so I need to make sure my cell phone is charged.

Everyone chuckles. Trump looks puzzled.

TRUMP
[reading from notes] You know with so many people participating in the political and social debate through call in shows, it’s a good idea to be reminded…

Trump loses his train of thought when something attracts his attention. The camera pans over to Jenna Jacobs, sitting on her chair.

TRUMP
…it’s a good idea to be reminded of the awesome impact… the awesome impact…

He finally gives up and addresses her.

TRUMP
I’m sorry, um… you’re Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir.

TRUMP
It’s good to have you here. In my White House. I won this.

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir. Thank you.

TRUMP
The awesome impact of the airwaves and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions but obviously also how it can… how it can…

He sighs, and addresses Jenna Jacobs again.

TRUMP
Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you real doctor?

JENNA JACOBS
Ph.D.

TRUMP
A Ph.D.?

JENNA JACOBS
Yes, sir.

TRUMP
In doctoring?

JENNA JACOBS
I have a Ph.D. in English literature, sir.

TRUMP
I’m asking, ’cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn’t know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and thought that maybe you were a doctor, even though you’re not a man

JENNA JACOBS
I don’t believe they are confused, no sir.

TRUMP
Good. I like your show. I like how you say it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

JENNA JACOBS
I don’t say that, Mr. President. The Bible does.

TRUMP
Yes, it does. Book of Revelations.

JENNA JACOBS
Matthew, sir, 19:24

TRUMP
Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here.
I sometimes like to bear false witness, which I’m pretty sure is against one of the commandments. Am I wrong to do that? Will I go to hell?
While you’re thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff, Steve Bannon, doesn’t love his neighbour, like Jebus said he should. Does that mean he’s going to hell as well?
OK, here’s one that’s really important, the Pope – who’s a great personal friend of mine, by the way, really terrific guy – tells me that there’s something in there about what you do to the least of God’s people you do unto him…he’s not talking about refugees or Muslins, right? Just Americans?
One more, when Jebus tells the story of the good Samaritan he’s just talking about people from Samarita, right? It doesn’t matter if I act like a dick to people who are from Iraq or Sudan, does it?
How about when the bible says that only God can judge? Can I use that to get 9th circuit decisions overturned?
Have you finished thinking about that camel one yet, because I really need an answer before I go back to the oval to sign some deals.

Jenna Jacobs fidgets uncomfortably.

TRUMP
Think about those questions, would you? One last thing, while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tightass Club, in this building, when the President stands women lean forward a bit, so I can see down their blouses.

Jenna Jacobs gets up and leaves

TRUMP
Toby.

TOBY
Yes, Mr. President.

TRUMP
That’s how I beat him.

TOBY
[confused] That’s how you beat who, sir? This is the first time you’ve spoken to me for a week.

JENNA JACOBS[OS]
You’re all terrible people and you’re all going to hell!

[Back to top]

West Wig 13 – Trump deals with a suicide bomber in Sweden Israel

FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM – NIGHT

NANCY
[to phone] Yeah. Leo, the INP thinks they have traces of C-4.

LEO
C-4?

NANCY
Yeah.

LEO
Did this guy have a car strapped to his chest?

GENERAL
Ten-hut.

TRUMP
[entering] Have the parents been notified? Somebody should call them. Like call them right now.

NANCY
The consul general called the parents.

TRUMP
And did he tell them I’m going to sort this whole thing out? Did he tell them I’m a smart guy and I can figure out anything. He did mention that I won 306 electoral college votes, right? That’s more than any other president in history. He did mention that, right? Hey, that reminds me, do we know who this suicide bomber was yet? Was he part of a terrorist network, or was he just some crazy white guy?

LEO
We don’t know yet.

NANCY
In the next hour, everyone will claim responsibility.

TRUMP
Nancy, hasn’t state issued a travel warning about going to Sweden?

NANCY
No, sir. We consider Sweden to be a safe destination…this attack was in Israel, sir.

TRUMP
Hey, that’s great. I love Israel. Nobody’s a bigger supporter of Israel than me. I told President Yahoo that I was behind Israel like 110%. I think we should pump that up to 120%. Can we do that? I really think – that extra 10%, you know – it might make the difference. How soon can we get the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier over Sweden?

NANCY
Sir, the attack wasn’t in Sweden and…well, we don’t have a helicarrier, sir. That’s from a movie.

TRUMP
Lying to the president in the situation room, that’s a pretty serious offence, Nancy. That’s like…three times worse than having your own e-mail server. I saw that helicarrier on TV last night, and that thing looked pretty real. Why would the TV lie to me? I have to deal with fake news on the TV the whole time, why would you bring it into the situation room?

ADVISOR
Um, initial eyewitness accounts indicate the bomber turned left to go into the nightclub then stopped when he saw two people wearing U.S. Delegation sweatshirts with insignias and flags.

OTHER ADVISOR
They were brothers– Ariel and Noah Levy.

ADVISOR
He walked up to them and detonated.

TRUMP
What the hell were they doing wearing US flags in Sweden. Don’t they know how crazy Muslim that place is? Is all this for real? Has anybody had the smarts – smarts like mine – to turn on Fox News and see what’s really happening?

NANCY
These are the facts as relayed by the embassy RSO at the scene.

LEO
And, Mr. President?

TRUMP
Hey, that’s me. Right?

LEO
They think they’ve found traces of C-4.

TRUMP
The robot guy from the Star Wars film? Man, wasn’t Star Wars a great defence program? We should get Reagan in and see if he wants to get that whole thing going again. That would sort out those Swedenese!

LEO
No, sir, we think there’s an Afghan connected, or even Iran.

NANCY
We’ll know more when the FBI attache gives a forensic analysis.

TRUMP
How long?

NANCY
45 minutes, an hour.

TRUMP
But we could just turn on Fox News right now and see what’s really going on and, let me tell you, they’re saying that things are pretty bad in Sweden at the moment. We should really do something about that. How long until that helicarrier’s in the air?

trump-helicarrier

[Back to top]

West Wig 14 – CJ’s first press conference after Trump’s new clampdown

INT. WHITEHOUSE PRESS ROOM, DAYTIME
C.J. Cregg is just finishing off her press briefing

C.J.
…talking with the house majority leader about his plan to create a ‘Supremer Court’, with his own nominees.

C.J. pauses and looks around the briefing room.

C.J.
OK, I’ll be taking some questions, but as there are a lot of new faces here I’d appreciate it if you’d give me your name and publication when I call on you. Carole will be writing them down and she assures me that she’ll be testing me on them later on.

She pauses, expecting laughter. There isn’t any. She tugs at her jacket and points to one of the press.

C.J.
You in the third row, next to the gentleman with tin-foil on his head. The one who’s bothered to wear a tie. Do you have a question?

JOURNALIST
Da, I was wondering if the president…

C.J.
Sorry to interrupt, tie-boy, but can I have your name and publication. You know, for the test.

JOURNALIST
Sorry. Igor Ivanavitch. Moscow Daily Front. I was wondering if the president would care to comment on the poll showing that he is the most popular and trusted American president of all time.

C.J.
Yes, and if you check your press pack then on [beat] page 14 of today’s presidential tweets you’ll see the president welcomes the poll and laments that fake news stations and failing newspapers aren’t reporting it.

JOURNALIST 2
C.J., do you have a source for the poll?

C.J.
Yes I do, it’s [she checks her notes] well I never, it’s from a survey conducted by our friends at The Moscow Daily Front. Glad to hear that Muscovites are so keen on our president, Igor.

IGOR
Da, the one we interviewed was really keen on him.

C.J.
OK, guy right at the back. Name and publication, please.

JOURNALIST 3
Uh, yeah, my name is Saxon Stormwolf and I, uh, I write a blog called ‘Melting snowflakes’.

C.J.
Well doesn’t that sound just lovely. What’s your question, Saxon?

SAXON
I was wondering if the president had any thoughts on my latest blog, where I lay out the case for liberals being drowned in a bucket at birth.

C.J.
How many readers does your blog attract, Saxon?

SAXON
Um, 50 or 60. Usually.

C.J.
Well, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the President of the United States of America isn’t likely to be one of those 50 or 60.

SAXON
But he retweeted my link to it!

C.J.
[long pause] Today the president has announced his plans to neuter the Supreme Court, he’s proposed abolishing the emoluments clause, he’s launched his second attempt at invading Iceland in two weeks and documents have been published by The Washington Post showing that he is directly funnelling billions of tax-payer dollars into his own business ventures. [beat] Does anyone have questions on any of those things?

The room is silent

C.J.
Does anyone in this room have a Pulitzer prize?

The room remains silent

C.J.
Does anyone know what a Pulitzer prize is?

One journalist puts their hand up, then quickly lowers is again.

C.J.
Does anyone have a gun?

All hands go up.

C.J.
Well thank god for that. Can one of you shoot me, please?

[Back to top]

West Wig 15 – Trump meets with his lawyer

INT. OVAL OFFICE, LATE EVENING.

PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS JUST INFORMED WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL, OLIVER BABISH, THAT HE MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY SET-UP SEVERAL MEETINGS WITH GO-BETWEENS FOR THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THEM TO HACK DEMOCRATIC PARTY E-MAILS AND NOT-AT-ALL-ON-PURPOSE PROMISED POLITICAL AID TO RUSSIA IN EXCHANGE FOR ELECTORAL VICTORY.

trump babish

TRUMP
This isn’t what you signed up for. Steve begged you to take this job, just like he begged the 3 or 4 guys who did it before you. This isn’t what you signed up for. If you leave, I’d appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn’t look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one’s gonna hold it against you. I mean, I’ll hate you forever and randomly tweet shit about for the rest of time…but the ordinary people won’t hold it against you, and the rest of time isn’t that long, really.

OLIVER
Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. (pause) If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?

TRUMP
I guess it depends. A lot of people tell me to do stuff; Steve, Russians, that new guy with all the medals. I forget a lot of it. Sometimes I just do things for terrific reasons – the best reasons – really amazing reasons – that I can’t really remember.

OLIVER
No, I’m afraid it can’t depend, sir.

A lengthy silence falls between them. Trump stands up, his hands in his pockets, and walks slowly toward his desk.

TRUMP
What would my first step be?

OLIVER
First, tell your staff.

TRUMP
That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t I just fire them?

OLIVER
Then, decide how to make a public announcement.

TRUMP
Trump TV will do it. Have you seen those guys? They’re really terrific. Like really, really terrific. Twenty million people tune into their show. Twenty million! That’s nearly double the number of people who came to my inauguration. Of course the fake news never shows the pictures of all the people watching Trump TV – those guys are terrific. They always say what I would be thinking if I wasn’t watching TV. Of course I think what the friendly TV shows tell me, so you know [beat] we’ve got a whole feedback loop going on there, but – 20 million people, that’s way more than watched failing Obama TV. He didn’t even have his own TV. He couldn’t – not a real American, Trump TV said so, and those guys are terrific fact checkers. They have the best facts.

OLIVER
Then order the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor. Not just any Special Prosecutor – the most blood-spitting, Trump-hating Democrat in the Bar.

Oliver walks slowly but purposefully toward Trump.

OLIVER
He’s gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be “bring it on.” He’s gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I’m gone. An assistant DA in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you’re on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you’ll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what do we say?

Trump stares silently at Oliver for several moments.

TRUMP
(quietly) Why aren’t they investigating crooked Hillary?

OLIVER
No, Mr President, the slogan is gonna be “bring it on”. So when the press starts asking tough questions what do we say?

TRUMP
That they’re fraud news?

OLIVER
No, sir, we say “bring it on”. Bring. It. On. Just those three words. What do we say?

TRUMP
Say, those gooks are getting a bit uppity, aren’t they? You know what would sort them out? A bit of fire and fury.

OLIVER
I’ll be in my office for a while if you need me. Drinking.

[Back to top]

West Wig 16 – Trump and Sam’s late night meeting

INT. SAM SEABORN’S OFFICE, LATE AT NIGHT. SAM IS WRITING SOMETHING ON HIS LAPTOP, OCCASIONALLY REPEATEDLY HITTING THE DELETE KEY BEFORE RETYPING.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP ENTERS. SAM LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

SAM: Good evening Mr President.

TRUMP: Evening, Dan, still hard at it?

SAM: Yessir. You need to have remarks ready about that Nazi rally for first thing tomorrow.

TRUMP: I thought I’d just say it was, you know, not nice. I really want to talk about how terrific the economy is. It is terrific, you know? Really terrific. Are you writing this down?

Sam stops typing

SAM: No, sir, I was just trying something out. How’s this?

Sam reads from his screen

SAM: Racism is a sickness. It is a sickness of the mind. It is a sickness of the soul. It is a sickness that can have no place in American society. I became president promis…

TRUMP: Wait, you’re president now?

SAM: No, sir, this is your speech that I’m reading.

TRUMP: Is it? Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing I would say. My speeches are really terrific. TV last week said I was the greatest political orator in history. I really am terrifically amazing at the speeching thing.

SAM: Just bear with me, sir [continues reading] I became president promising to heal America and as its healer I must know which diseases can be treated and which must be cut out, if it is to prosper.

TRUMP: I dunno. That sounds like the sort of talk that’s going to piss off the anti-vaxxers. I get a lot of support from those guys. Almost all of them voted for me.

SAM: I’m…I’m sure they’ll realise that you’re speaking metaphorically, sir.

TRUMP: Dan, you’re a great kid, and one day you’re going to be a great presidential scapegoat, but the people who voted for me aren’t interested in metamorphos, they appreciate plain speaking, so cut that bit.

SAM: Which bit, Mr President?

TRUMP: All the bits you said, but leave in my bit about racism being, you know, not nice. And add a couple of pages about how terrific the economy is.

SAM: I’m not sure I can have that ready for the morning, sir.

TRUMP: Take all the time you need, Dan.

Trump leaves.

TRUMP[OS]: Really, no hurry at all.

[Back to top]

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