Washington DC, Dateline: 20 January 2025
Sadness hangs in the air today, as we gather to watch the inauguration of President Norris and bid a fond farewell to the premiership of President Trump.
Many people in the thousands-strong crowd have signs, placards or banners begging President Trump – their beloved ‘Don’ – to serve for 4 or 8 more years. One woman’s sign reads, “King Trump!!”, and there’s not even a “Fuc” at the start of it.
How different things are now to the fear and hatred which welcomed President Trump into office in January 2017. We’ve all learned so much in the eight years that have passed since then.
The most shocking lesson was, of course, just how much time and energy we wasted in trying to ensure that our president was qualified to run the country. Every political observer has been staggered by just how much more effective it has been to have a politician who is not only unqualified to run the country, but is also completely uninterested in doing so.
President Trump’s inner-circle of advisers have been very forthright in letting us know that this means that all conversations with the commander-in-chief boil down to 1 of 3 kinds:
- The kind where they ask the President to make a decision, but he doesn’t understand the problem and can’t be bothered to listen, so tells them to do whatever they think best.
- The kind where the President tells about his latest stupid plan, but gets bored when they start to enumerate the problems with it and then tells them not to bother.
- The kind where they ask the President to make a decision, he makes a stupid one and then gets bored when they start to explain why it’s stupid, so just tells them to do whatever they think best.
In practice this has meant that the duties of the President boiled down to:
- Appearing on TV
- Signing things that are put in front of him
- Pardoning Thanksgiving turkeys
President Trump has excelled at all of these things, and expert staff have excelled in getting on with everything else. The marriage of ignorance and inattentiveness has birthed us into a new enlightenment.
Back in 2020 we saw Michelle Obama – smart, tough, qualified and much loved by the left – try to topple this new order and fail and, this year, we’ve seen a rush to the bottom from the record number of contenders for the Republican Party nomination.
I imagine that when Milo threw his hat into the ring he truly believed that, as has been the case for most of his life, he was the worst a human could be. How humiliating it must have been for him to be defeated in the first debate by a GIF of his own face pasted into a loop of film from a scat-porn.
When Norbert Norris – then an unknown 48 year-old from Nebraska – was selected as the nominee the Democrats realised the fight was lost and put up their candidate with so little campaign spending that even The Washington Post only ever referred to him as “some lawyer guy”. Really he was lucky to get 51% of the popular vote.
Norris – who will become President Norris very shortly – is a high-school drop-out who plans to follow Trump’s examples of not living in the White House or surrendering control of his business interests to, instead, stay in his parents’ basement and continue to run his 2nd-hand car lot, and who says he will fit in being President at the evenings and weekends, when everybody else is out of the house, and has asked for his presidential salary to be paid entirely in subscriptions to cable porn channels.
From here it is hard to believe how apprehensive people in 2016 and 2017 must have felt as Trump appointed his first cabinet; white supremacists, deniers of evolution, the big bang theory and climate change, rogues and charlatans.
The expectation was that these people would radiate their ignorance to the country…but ignorance is a privative, it is darkness that is driven out by the light. We took these people, who weren’t just ignorant but were leaders in their fields of ignorance, and put them in situations where they had to listen to experts. We educated them. We educated the people who were trusted by , idolised by, followed by, read by and shared by millions upon millions who shared their ignorance and, in doing so, we made them the spreaders of knowledge.
In the dark ages, pre-Trump, we used to think it was shameful that icons could be so uneducated, now we realise that what was shameful was that it took us so long to realise how easily that could be exploited.
I can now see Britain’s head of state moving to his seat on the platform. This has been an amazing 8 years for that plucky little island as well. The Brexit vote was a godsend to them, and not just because it meant that they were out of the EU before its ruinous collapse, which left its former member states begging to become part of the New British Empire, it also showed the British that if they voted for something – no matter how stupid, expensive or impossible – that they would get it. In 2016 they’d never had dared dream that today they’d be represented by a clone of David Bowie, or, to give him his official title, The Thin White Duke of Edinburgh (although I still weep that fewer than 10,000 votes kept us from Emperor McEmpireface)
President Trump’s motorcade has arrived and the president is making his way to his seat, his trademark limp from the time he bet The New York Times that he could fly still very much evident. And how frightening the dawn of post-truth politics must have seemed to those simple souls back in 2016.
To their oldthink minds it looked like politicians were getting away with lying. Of course politicians had been getting away with lying for years, post-truth simply meant that nobody cared if they were lying any more.
What a boon to society and civilisation. What a glorious day when we discovered that the truth couldn’t hurt those in power. What a magnificent achievement for humanity that we could become so apathetic about what others thought of us that we wouldn’t even spare the effort to lie to them any more.
We all remember the protests in ’18 and ’19, when thousands of journalists ran riot in the streets, protesting that there would be no more political scandals because literally no-one gave a shit. Those days of No-more-gates-gate where when we realised that the evil geniuses, like those in Bond films, could now explain their plot to the hero and let them go, because they could tell who the fuck they liked.
If war is peace and freedom slavery then lies are honesty and President Trump has made politics an honest man’s game. By the third time he briefed reporters that he’d had somebody killed none of them were even bothering to take notes.
So, as President-elect Norris comes to the stage, to take the oath given by Simon Cowell we say goodbye to Trump’s presidency – an era which brought us wisdom from indifference, education from stupidity and truth from apathy and only really cost us the lives of those who disagreed with him, the minorities and our own self-respect.
God bless you, President Trump.