How Corbyn are you?

In 2016 – the year they’re already calling ‘relentlessly shit’ – “Jeremy Corbyn” has been the name on everybody’s lips.  Whether you think he’s a good, decent man, a bearded trot who just won’t stop, or simply the living reincarnation of Jesus Christ everybody’s talking about him.

But just how Corbyn are you? Take our fun quiz and answer each question honestly to find out if you’ve got what it takes to do whatever the hell Jeremy Corbyn does.

how corbyn

Question 1

It’s annual appraisal time at work and your boss pulls you up on a number of area where you’re under-performing.  How do you react?

a. Recognise the validity of the feedback and vow to improve your performance in these areas, after all that can only help your career prospects.

b. Have a massive strop and try to blame some people who used to work at the company.

c. Host a 5,000-people strong rally in your honour, where everybody shouts how good you are and claps for ages and ages when you speak.  Maybe if they clap loud enough you won’t be able to hear your manager’s voice ringing in your head.

d. Don’t know

Question 2

You’re out in town on a bitterly cold night and a homeless guy, sleeping in a doorway, asks if you’ve any spare change. Do you:

a. Give him the tenner in your pocket; you were planning to spend it on a pizza, but his need is obviously greater.

b. Invite your artistic friend who drives a taxi and another guy with an angry voice over to watch you give him a quid, so that they can blog about how nice and generous you are.

c. Stand in front of him all night, ranting about how evil the Tories are, without letting him get a word in edgeways or ask anybody else for money, then at 3am go home to your centrally-heated house.

d. Don’t know

Question 3

The quiz team you’re on say they want to replace you, because you’re not interested in winning the quiz, or even listening to the questions. What would you do?

a. Decide that they’re right and quizzes aren’t really your thing, so you’ll knock it on the head.

b. Carry on turning up and behaving the same anyway; it’s your quiz team as well, they’ll just have to learn to live with it.

c. Tell everybody else that they’re chucked off the quiz team, then pack the team with a load of people who, like yourself, are thick as fucking pig-shit (and if any of the former quiz team happen to have their cars keyed, then that’s nothing to do with you)

d. Don’t know

Question 4

You get a massively unexpected promotion to CEO at work, but are faced with the task of regaining market share your company has lost over recent years. How would you rise to the challenge?

a. Learn from past mistakes, and also seek to understand what your competitors are doing better than you, so you can beat them at their own game.

b. Completely revamp the company to run along the lines you’ve always imagined, even if they haven’t always worked terribly well in other companies that have tried them and the staff aren’t keen.

c. Dedicate yourself to talking about how crap the old managers were, extracting petty revenge on anybody who might have supported the old management and giving jobs to your mates…who also hate the old managers.

d. Don’t know

Question 5

If you wanted to pop out for the evening who would you take with you?

a. Just your partner and make it a romantic night for two.

b. Perhaps half a dozen close friends and have a wild night.

c. At least two thousand people from the Socialist Workers Party and Stop the War, so that there’s loads of cheering every time you speak…because you’re great.

d. Don’t know

Question 6

You’re at a party with your wife, she wants to remain, but you want to leave, but you know you’ll get into trouble if you say that. What do you do?

a. If your wife’s enjoying the party then you’ll just grit your teeth and stay.

b. Grumble and grump at your wife, but ultimately stay as long as she wants to.

c. Refuse to communicate with anybody your wife’s talking to, keep mentioning all of the thing you don’t like about the party and, as soon as she mentions leaving, demand that it’s done immediately, even though you haven’t even sung “Happy Birthday yet”, then blame your friends for the decision to leave the party and say you were really up for staying.

d. Don’t know

Question 7

The PTA at your child’s school are doing a terrible job fund-raising, meaning that there’s not enough money to subsidise trips for poorer children and that the school’s supplies of sticking plasters and Calpol are running very low. You are not a member of the PTA committee, so how would you deal with the situation?

a. Create a radical plan to hold more cake sales and tombolas (even if these things annoy some of the parents) so that the PTA can offer education and care for all of the children at the school.

b. Build networks amongst the parents so that you can get yourself elected to the PTA committee, with a view to changing things for the better.

c. Hold a series of massive rallies around the country where you talk about how well run the PTAs in Venezuela are, and how evil the current committee are (nearly as evil as the committee before them!)

d. Don’t know

Question 8

At work you’ve been asked to do a presentation about eliminating bullying in the workplace. While you’re giving the presentation a member of your team starts openly bullying your co-presenter. Do you…

a. Have the bully removed from the room and then start a formal disciplinary process against them.

b. Stand up the person being bullied, stop the bullying happening and then take your team member aside to explain why what they did was wrong and warn that there will be very serious consequences if you see them do it again.

c. Sit there and watch the bullying happen then, after the meeting, apologise to the bully and send them a friendly text, like the massive, massive bell-end that you are.

d. Don’t know

How did you do?

Tot up your answers to see how Corbyn you are:

Mostly A: You’re not very Corbyn at all, in fact you’re probably the kind of cunt who voted for Thatcher or Blair. Nobody’s saying you should be killed, but if it happened we wouldn’t be sad.

Mostly B: Well, you’ve some potential. Try getting to a few more pro-Corbyn rallies and not writing any editorials for The Guardian and we’ll try to see to it that nothing bad happens to your windows, OK?

Mostly C: Wow, you could be JC himself! You’re one of the true faithful, a life-long friend, a comrade to the end and we definitely won’t blame you for Corbyn getting everything wrong unless we absolutely have to.

Mostly D: You are Andy Burnham, sorry about that.

 

 

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