LabourLost

Inspired by the LabourList article on how a Corbyn-led Labour could win I’d like to add a few points that they may have missed.

labour lost

1) All we need is a bit of luck

In the 2015 General Election the Conservatives pipped Labour to the post by only 1,987,272 votes.  Really that’s only a tiny number when compared to, say, the entire population of the world; and when you think about it in terms of how many people might be too poorly to go to the polling station on the day, or might forget that they’ve got something to do, or might accidentally tick the wrong box, or might get confused and spoil their paper it’s really hardly any at all.

All we need is for those things to happen exclusively to Tory voters and we’re in with a chance.  I think it would be crossing a line to suggest, in a scholarly article, that voodoo and mind-control work, but I think it’s worth trying them.

voodoo corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn, pictured yesterday, meddling with the forces of darkness and death

2) Maybe the Tories will do something really bad

It may be the case that the Tories can impose austerity upon the country, slash benefits, even for the disabled, ravish our beloved health service, treat Chris Grayling as if he’s competent and make us choose between BoJo and Osborne for our next Prime Minister and still be ahead in the polls, but we can’t discount the possibility that in the next 4 years they’ll manage to do something so bad that even the British public can’t stomach it.  We’re not sure what that thing is (it can’t be Hitler-related, we’ve got that bag sown up), but if you do know then please e-mail conservative_policy_shop@AOL.com (all lower-case, apart from the AOL bit), remember to mark your e-mail, “I’ve got a really good idea”.

3) Look to Horizon

The BBC’s Horizon programme has been telling us for years that human life is about to be nearly wiped out; be it super-volcano, meteor-strike, unstoppable virus, mega-tsunami, unprecedented solar storm or killer AIs there’s always something about to push us to the brink of extinction.  If something like that were to reduce the UK population to a size small enough for each of them to personally meet Jeremy and get to know him then we feel he could win them over.

meteor_strike_by_arghus-d4t8a8w
Red takes on blue!

4) Where are our Woodward and Bernstein?

As we know the Labour Party has been the victim of a massive conspiracy between the Blairites, the MSM, the Zionists, the Tories and a whole bunch of other false flag wavers.  All we need are a couple of plucky investigative journalists to start tugging at threads and then publicise the lot and bring down the whole cabal.  We’ve tried creating our own ‘Deep Throat’ but it turns out The Guardian have blocked Ken’s number.

5) Veni, Vidi, Vichy

When Nazi Germany invaded France, during World War II, the seat of government was moved to Vichy in Southern France, but quickly became a puppet government, run – in all but name – by the Nazi party.  And, you know what, we’d take that.  With President Trump on the horizon (although, ironically, never on Horizon) international relations with China, all of the Middle-East, North Korea, Belgium, etc. are all about to get a lot worse and as the de facto 51st state of the US there’s a good chance we’re going to take some of the flack.  Labour stands ready to bow down before the invaders, whoever they may be, and form an “independent” and “free” UK government.  It may seem cowardly, but compared to coming to seat-by-seat agreements with the Greens not to stand it doesn’t seem that bad, does it?

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