[INTERIOR. CAVERNOUS ROOM SPORTING THE OBLIGATORY MAP OF THE WORLD ON THE WALL AND THE HUGE ROUND TABLE. ALL OF THE FIGURES AROUND THE TABLE ARE MALE, MANY OF THEM WEAR, OBVIOUSLY HOME-MADE, MILITARY UNIFORMS WITH HUGE NUMBERS OF, EQUALLY HOME-MADE, MEDALS AND DECORATIONS. THE PERIPHERY OF THE ROOM HAS OVERFLOWING BINS, DISCARDED SOCKS AND OTHER DETRITUS. THERE ARE CLEARLY A NUMBER OF CONVERSATIONS, SOME OF THEM QUITE LOUD, GOING ON ROUND THE TABLE]
LEADER: Order! Order!
[THE ROOM FALLS SILENT]
LEADER: Thank you…I hereby call to order the 50th annual meeting of the Society for the Protection of Endangered Real Men.
[APPLAUSE, WHOOPS AND CHANTS OF “DEFENCE! DEFENCE!” FROM THE REST OF THE ROOM. THE LEADER WAVES HIS ARMS, CALLING FOR SILENCE]
LEADER: As is traditional the meting will be opened by Number 2. Let us greet him in the traditional manner.
ALL (CHANTING): Ha Ha You Said Num-ber Two!
[NUMBER 2 RISES FROM HIS SEAT]
NUMBER 2: Greetings, fraternal brothers. (Pauses to adjust huge array of milk bottle top medals pinned to his chest). The last half century has been terrible for us.
[GASPS FROM ROUND THE TABLE. NUMBER 2 CONTINUES UNABASHED]
NUMBER 2: We founded SPERM to counter the threat to men from the tyranny of feminism…and we’ve lost every battle. No longer can we playfully pat women on the bottom at work and call them ‘Love’ or ‘Pet’. Laws – honest to god laws – have been passed mandating gender “equality”. Sure, we may still get paid a bit more, and hold more of the senior posts in politics and business and still have Page 3, but we’ve lost Benny Hill! Twitter is taking away blue ticks from those who fight for our rights! We can’t even suggest that a famous footballer having a bit of slap and tickle is “harmless fun” or that “she knew what she was doing” without being called names!
[CRIES OF “SHAME”, BOOS AND JEERS FROM THE CROWD, SOMEBODY YELLS “MY MUMMY NEVER LOVED ME”]
NUMBER 2: Today, gentlemen, the tide of names we’ve been called turns against our tormentors. Gentleman, I present…Sid!
NUMBER 2: Sid smokes, drinks and takes no exercise. He sees women only as potential sexual conquests. Every woman who has even rejected him – and there have been many – has been fat, ugly or a lesbian. He believes that his needs are paramount, and that any women denying them, or suggesting that he restrain himself in any way, is a bitch. In short, he’s a proper man. But watch this…
[NUMBER 2 HANDS SID A SHAPELESS DRESS AND A CHEAP WIG. SID PUTS THEM ON AND QUICKLY AND INEXPERTLY APPLIES SOME LIPSTICK.
NUMBER 3, WHO IS WEARING A CAMOUFLAGE OUTFIT AND A TRICORN LEAPS TO HIS FEET]
NUMBER 3: This is bullshit! That isn’t going to fool women! We were lied to by the sacred Carry On films!
ALL (CHANTING): Cor blimey you don’t get many of those to the pound!
NUMBER 2: Sid, perhaps you could answer this?
SID: I identify as a woman.
NUMBER 3: But you’re just a bloke in a dress!
NUMBER 2: And you, sir, are (with relish) a cissexist!
NUMBER 3: I’m a what?
NUMBER 2: A cissexist…I thought you may have questions, so I’ve taken the liberty of adding a definition to Wikipedia (points to the laser-display screen)
[THERE’S A PAUSE, AND SOME MOVING OF LIPS, AS THE GROUP READS THE DEFINITION]
NUMBER 3: What? I don’t understand that.
NUMBER 2: Of course you don’t understand it, it’s a terrible definition, because its purpose isn’t to define cissexism, it’s to appeal to your subconscious belief that if an idea is hard to understand it must be important. Sid says he is a woman, and if any woman won’t accept that then she’s a cissexist.
NUMBER 3 (angry): But what is a cissexist?
NUMBER 2: It’s a bigot, a bully, a narrow-minded, parochial, idiot who has no regard for the life experiences of others. It’s a sexist, only worse – because it has ‘cis’ at the front! If any woman denies that Sid is one of them then you can throw in her face every insult that has ever been thrown at you!
NUMBER 3: But won’t women just ignore him?
NUMBER 2: Sid?
SID: As a woman I demand access to female toilets and changing rooms.
[GASPS FROM ROUND THE TABLE]
NUMBER 3: Women won’t allow him into their changing areas!
[ANOTHER MAN LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND POINTS AT NUMBER 3]
[THERE’S A PAUSE THEN APPLAUSE BREAKS OUT AROUND THE TABLE. THE ACCUSER SITS BACK DOWN LOOKING VERY PLEASED]
NUMBER 3: This isn’t going to fool anyone, is it? Women have been pretty sharp at spotting when we’re just throwing insults at them, and they don’t stand for it (wistful sigh) not any more.
NUMBER 2: Read the definition again…even pointing out that we’re using cissexism to insult and bully women from the moral high-ground is, itself, an act of cissexism.
LEADER: You’ve done an incredible job here, Number 2, you’ll receive SPERM’s highest honour for this; the ‘Nice tits, love’ medal.
[ANOTHER WAVE OF APPLAUSE STARTS, BUT NUMBER 2 CALLS FOR SILENCE]
NUMBER 2: You haven’t heard the best part yet. We’ve had 50 years of feminists telling us the sexism is bad, right?
[GENERAL MURMUR OF AGREEMENT FROM THE ROOM]
NUMBER 2: Well, if we can convince them that cissexism is just as bad as sexism, or even worse, then I think we can get feminists to defend us while we’re using it as a stick to beat women. We can actually get real, honest-to-goodness women to tell other women that they’re bad feminists for not giving men what they want!
[THE MEN RISE TO THEIR FEET, CHEERING AND CLAPPING, MANY HAVE TEARS OF JOY IN THEIR EYES, A SMALL GROUP SPONTANEOUSLY STARTS SINGING ‘DING-DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD’]
[AS THE MEETING STARTS TO BREAK UP THE LEADER TAKES NUMBER 2 TO ONE SIDE]
LEADER: You’ve certainly proved yourself a worthy Number 2. When I finally retire nobody is going to stand in the way of becoming the next leader.
NUMBER 2: Thank you, sir. It’s a great honour, and I hope I’ll get to serve you for many more years. But you should get a move on – your plane is waiting for you.
LEADER: Indeed, and a sterling job sorting me out with a new pilot so quickly as well. You really are worth your weight in gold. I’ll be in touch soon. Bye.
[THE LEADER LEAVES]
NUMBER 2 (TO HIMSELF): Oh yes, the new pilot. Well…he certainly identifies as a pilot. Have a safe flight, sir.