The Crazy Corbynite’s Problem Page

Welcome to the UK’s premier problems page, edited by Colin the Crazy Corbynite, who will answer all of your questions , on any subject, with ill-informed, racist and misogynistic rants.

Colin, or someone like him
Colin, or someone like him

This week our first letter is from A. of Bristol.

Dear Colin,

My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 20 years and have always enjoyed a varied and exciting sex life.  Recently, however, I have found myself becoming less interested in such things.  For example, during a recent camping trip we were alone in a remote corner of the campsite and when I had finished blowing up the double air bed my wife…

Blair bed?  You got into bed with Blair?  If you support him then you’re a war criminal and you should be tried in the Hague and hung!  Rest assured, Corbyn will make you stand trial when he becomes PM!  NEXT!

WA, also of Bristol, writes…

Dear Colin,

My husband, a recently retired man of stoical nature, has lately been feeling under the weather, but refuses to burden the “poor overworked staff of the NHS” with his problems.  Amongst other things I am worried about a mole on his shoulder, which has increased noticeably in size and become a very dark brown with…

BROWN!  Brown is the fool who wrecked the economy, just look in the papers you stupid, gormless slag!  When Jeremy Corbyn is Prime Minister you and everybody else who supported Brown will be lined up against the wall and shot like dogs!  Bitch!

ZXZ of Bristol wrote this week asking:

Dear Colin,

Marx, my faithful Labrador, has been my constant companion for the last 15 years.  We’ve been through some rough times together but he’s always been there for me.  Even when we became homeless and had to search bins for food he always offered me first refusal on any morsel he found, and he never failed to put his warm body between me and the cold wind and rain.  Now he’s troubled by arthritis and the vet…

Yvette!  It’s always fucking Yvette with you champagne socialists, isn’t it?  If you’re supporting Yvette then you’re an insult to people like me, who’ve been life-long Labour party members for the past 6 weeks!  If you want to talk about Yvette then fuck off to the Tory party where that sort of thing is welcome!  #RedTory!

AAA Aaron Aardvark Builders Ltd, of Bristol, writes…

Dear Colin,

As Bristol’s leading independent building contractor I found myself needing to hire somebody to do the books for me.  The woman I’ve taken on seems to be having some problems dealing with the ‘robust’ nature of the banter amongst a firm of old school builders, who are just trying to offer the best prices for high quality work in the area.  Her bookkeeping is excellent, to give her her dues…

DUES???? Do you know [Unfortunately, for legal reasons, it has not been possible to publish all of Colin’s reply to this letter] international banking conspiracy, mate.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Vote Corbyn and get them all sent back where they came from!

Our final letter of today comes from JC, of Bristol…no, hang about, he’s from Islington.

Dear Supporter,

I’d like to thank everybody who has supported me in my campaign for Labour leader, but remind them it has always been my wish that we do not resort to personal attacks or name-calling…

Look everybody!  It’s another fucking bleeding-heart liberal.  I tell you, mate, if it was left to people like you it would be lefties, poofs, women and Muslims running this bloody country.  Not that Muslims haven’t got the right idea about one thing…you know what I’m saying?  They all called in sick on 9/11 you know.  Really, it’s true.  Makes you think, doesn’t it?  Now my mate Dave reckons…

Unfortunately that’s all we have time for this week.  Colin the Crazy Corbynite is appearing throughout August at EDL demos across the country, and is on standby to appear on Newsnight any week where it looks like they need somebody to kick a fight off.

Next week we hope to bring you Andy Burnham’s problem page, if we can edit Andy Burnham’s problems down to one page by then.

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