Inside every grown man each Balustrade Lanyard Day there’s the spirit of a 7 year old boy who’s been awake since 4am, too excited by the thought of their new LEGO™ set to sleep.
As we grow older, take wives and become fathers (and sometimes even stop believing that Lanyard sneaks into our houses, using his magic security pass, to leave us presents!) Balustrade Lanyard Day becomes more about having to trudge round heaving shops, trying to get this year’s ‘must have’ present, and an opportunity to have a few days off work and be properly drunk before 11am for a week.
We’ve asked Dr David Bannister, senior professor of advanced Baulstradelanyardology at the prestigious University of Accreditation Pending, to talk us through the cod-psychology behind the most common Balustradefest gifts and explain their deeper symbolism. So, wake up, sober up and find what your wife’s gift to this year means about the state of your relationship…
Conservative Party Membership
Membership of the Conservative party is the most traditional of BL Day gifts, and the staple of a thousand different stand-up routines, but is it as harmless as having your name auto-appended to letters to The Telegraph and getting a free calendar of the cabinet in their shreddies? Our Balustadelanyardologist, Dr David Bannister, has this to say, “This is an incredibly symbolic gift! Your partner is saying that you have become a boring, abusive, old twat and that she’s longing for you to return to your wild days. Act now to save your marriage! Pack the kids off to your mother’s for the day, strip to your lanyard and poke something through her balustrade!”
Remington Beard Trimmer
It’s impossible to imagine that there’s a man alive who hasn’t, at some point, woken on BL Day to discover that ‘Balustrade’ has left a Remington Beard Trimmer underneath the festive railings.In fact Balustrade Lanyard Day and Victor Kiam Tuesday together account for a staggering 97% of Remington’s sales! Are the forecasts up for you, though, if this is what your wife has bought you? “While every man enjoys a nearly trimmed beard,” says Dr Bannister, “this can be a warning sign. Your wife is hinting that you’re not looking after yourself. It’s not just an untidy beard; have you been skipping the gym? Do you still make the effort to look attractive and dress sexily? Is it 10 or 12 years since you last had a meal that didn’t involve pork? Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and try to see you as your wife sees you. Why not start sneaking out to the gym without telling her where you’re going, and suddenly taking a huge interest in your appearance and personal grooming? If you’re stuck in for the night get a girl from work to phone to give you an excuse to ‘go out for a drink’, but secretly go for a run. When your wife meets the new you it will be goodbye to beard trimmers and hello to out-of-this-world sex.”
The Festive Lanyard
For a lot of men this is the most disappointing BL Day gift possible. For weeks every joker in the office has had a festive lanyard round their necks, perhaps with balustrades printed on or one that plays ‘Rich man’ from Fiddler on the Roof. Come Monday though and all of these lanyards are going to be packed away for another year. The chances are that you’ll wear your lanyard for one day and then stick it in a drawer and forget about it. Not so fast, says Dr Bannister…“With the festive lanyard your wife is begging you to rediscover your sense of fun, and not just for BL Day! Recapture your youth with her and crawl out of the rut you’ve dug before it becomes your grave! Try different restaurants, make new friends, have a go at new hobbies and sports and, in the bedroom, why not try urinating on each other?”
A new LEGO™ Set
She’s found out you’re sleeping with her sister and wants to make you feel guilty about it.
Literally anything else
You might think that if your wife buys you a different present that she’s creative, quirky, original or special – not so, says Dr Bannister. “If your wife doesn’t understand that Balustrade Lanyard day is a time to buy her hard-working husband a Conservative Party membership, a beard trimmer, a festive lanyard or a Lego set then she doesn’t really understand the whole thing, does she? It’s time you asked yourself why you married her in the first place. Make a resolution to spend the next year finding somebody new. Why not go for her sister? At least you’ll get a Lego set out of it.”
Tune in next time for tips on using up left-over Balustrade Lanyard day avocados.
Thank you to Doctor David Bannister, who is currently available for all aspects of Balustradelantardology and also dog-sits.
LEGO is a registered trademark of some Danish company, I think. It is used here entirely without their permission.
Balustrade Lanyard the LEGO set is the work of @MikeLaugharne who is unaware of this article or its contents.