Hello, and welcome to Job or Boj, the exciting new reality game show from
the BBC Channel 4 ITV Channel 5 Dave The Reality Channel GOD-TV Sky XL-TV where we ask two people to swap jobs for a day to see if they make it a JOB or a BOJ!
Today our contests are Susan, a 32 year old midwife from next door to our researcher, and Dave, a 41 year old Conservative Member of Parliament from some seat that’s marginal enough that he feels he needs to get his face on telly a bit more. They are going to be swapping jobs with each for a day, will they make a job of it or a boj of it (you get that ‘boj’=’bodge’, right? I wanted to call it ‘Career or Oh dear’, but the production team shouted me down. I like my idea better, but they’ve got a union and everything).
Anyway, here’s how the day went…
|7:30am||Susan has been booked to appear on Radio 4’s flagship Today programme. Her initial worries about being able to handle an interview subside when she finds out the government have kindly given her a list of things to say, irrespective of the questions asked.||Meanwhile, Dave has yet to make it into work, as the hospital he’s based at has too few parking spaces, staff are only allowed to use 4 of them and he needs an hour’s wage in change to pay for anywhere else.|
|8am||Breakfast meeting with somebody from the Chief Whip’s office to explain what the day will involve. Breakfast in London can be expensive, so Susan is delighted to discover she can claim the £52 it costs on expenses.||As he hadn’t showed up and as there’s a shortage of staff, Dave’s supervisor has been assigned 3 labouring women to care for and doesn’t have time to see him. The ward co-ordinator asks him to sit with a patient and pull the emergency buzzer if he needs help.|
|8:02am||Dave’s having a little cry in the corridor while some of the other staff answer the emergency buzzer.|
|9:10am||Susan has arrived at the House of Commons and is immediately struck by its amazing history. As it’s a quiet day there’s time for a tour of one of Britain’s most iconic landmarks.||At the hospital things are busier, as the midwives’ shift is under-staffed by 6 people who can’t be replaced with agency staff because of recent spending restrictions. In recognition of this the hospital has arranged for 8 inductions and 6 elective caesarian sections, plus the usual natural births and emergency cases. Dave’s supervisor has time to shout, “Man up or fuck off!” at him as she runs towards theatre alongside a trolley with her hands up a lady’s baby-trumpet.|
|10:30am||As it’s a Monday the House doesn’t convene until 11am, so Susan grabs another quick coffee at one of the bars.||The woman that Dave is sitting with has gone into labour and Dave’s “No, stick with the Conservatives!” joke hasn’t stopped her screaming and calling him a useless cunt. He pulls the emergency cord a little too hard and it comes off the wall.|
|10:32am||Susan decides to have a scone as well||The labouring woman’s partner is shouting, “Do something you useless cunt!” at Dave. Dave looks like he might be about to start crying again.|
|10:33am||Thanks to the £6m in subsidies that the food and drink outlets in the House receive Susan’s coffee and scone is surprisingly reasonably priced, but she expenses it anyway, just to be sure.||A midwife arrives in the room Dave’s in, attends to the labouring woman and calls Dave a useless cunt.|
|11am||The day’s business begins and Susan is feeling a little nervous, wondering if she’ll understand it all.||Dave is also feeling nervous as he tries his first hands-on examination|
|11:02am||Susan realises it’s all just a pantomime, where you just have to remember who to boo and who to cheer.||Dave realises his Rolex is never going to be the same again|
|1:30pm||There’s an important debate in the House, with many complex points to be made on both sides and arguments that can be difficult to follow. Fortunately the government whip is there to explain to Susan that she has to vote ‘Yes’ at the end, irrespective of what she hears or believes||Dave is getting some quick training on how to look after 4 labouring women at once, resuscitate a baby that isn’t breathing, calculate drug doses in his head while somebody screams at him and deal with a father who is a schedule 1 offender, all while documenting everything he does, because he is professionally and legally responsible for this shit and deserves a proper panic attack every time a daytime TV ad asks, “Have you suffered a mis-managed birth?”|
|1:45pm||Dave has another little cry in the corridor.|
|6pm||Business in the House is concluded for the day and rather than having a long journey home Susan can make herself comfortable in Dave’s fully-expensed 2nd home in London||Things at the hospital are quiet enough for Dave to take his lunch-break. The canteen only charge him £3.50 for a sandwich which looks and tastes like it might be medical waste.|
|7:30pm||The Prime Minister himself calls to ask Susan how her day has gone. She has some tough questions to ask about why MPs are getting a 10% pay rise, but he explains that it was recommended by an independent body.||Dave is having a hard time explaining to his colleagues for the day why it was wrong of them to go on strike to get their 1% pay rise that was recommended by an independent body.|
|8pm||Susan watches the news and signs some letters that Dave’s wife (and paid secretary) has left out||Dave is the only person available to accompany a patient in a blue-lights dash to a hospital 35 miles away which allegedly has a free bed. His cries of “I don’t want to go!” can be plainly heard over the siren.|
So, job or boj?
Susan: Hmmm, I found the day a bit boring, but it was easy enough and with all of the perks, a £74k salary and the opportunity to set myself up with lucrative private jobs if I was ever found to be incompetent, corrupt or unelectable I think it would be too good to turn down. JOB!
Dave: Unfortunately Dave hasn’t returned any of our calls since his day as a midwife.
That’s all for this week, join us next week when we’ll be finding Dave and forcing him to be a policeman for a day. Yeah, fuck you, Dave!